Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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