All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
