i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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