my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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