hotel room ftw
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
