I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
