I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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