Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
