Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
