Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
