So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
