Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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