Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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