Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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