dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
