Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
