I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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