apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
