she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
