If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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