I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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