If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
