He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
