Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize