This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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