Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
