apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize