I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
