I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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