Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
