it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
