matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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