Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
