Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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