I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
