I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
