So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
