I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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