omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
