Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
