i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
