Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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