Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize