Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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