I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
