Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
