So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
