A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
