He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
