We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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