So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
