I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
