I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
