Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
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