Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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