this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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