Cold hands, warm shart.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize