I just threw up on my dentist
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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