Your face is a jimmy john
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
