Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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