dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
